Mystified talking

As a smoker struggles to break the undeniable control of the nicotine slave driver, so too had I received a major fall in my fight to beat stuttering. The almost frozen state of life induced by stuttering creating the emotional and mental anguish from processes of talking for this quiet stutter.

I will publicly admit I have not written in a coons age because I had nothing to record except from hiding under one rock to another. I had stop talking on the phone...And for awhile retreated away from instituting conversations, that I found to be so much fun. I had hit the wall...Fell victim to a pity party, of looking down on myself, for that is what I have became accustomed too.

The stuttering blockage, my slave master had won a few battles, making a few days really tough. And now that I am aware of the power I was giving to the negative thoughts and pushing myself once again to talk, my confidence level is increasing. Except now it seems with an increase confidence, I make mistakes on the other wise, talking when I should remain silent. I guess one just can't win, but I guess that is what life is about, not to let mistakes stop you but learn and move on.

And one more thing, like I am standing in a public hearing, I would like to apologize for a few earlier comments, I was speaking out of anger and frustration and they were completely and totally uncalled for. So with that I apologize and on top of working to stop stuttering, I attempt to watch my thoughts more closely and not allow them to hurt anyone else any more.

Just like the terminator I am back, and going to kick this stuttering, and reach perfection one day. With each bump along the way, I will make minor and sometimes major adjustments. But the goal remains the same...To be perfect.

And I will update more later

As Taz and myself pull up to that green fueling station, as to get the energy to keeping going. I walk into that small square building to pay for the meal that Taz just engulfed. and inside the building sat this nice young gilr inside a plastic prison, with nothing for us to hear each other then a circle looking like it was cut by a thief. As I approach this prison, I decide to start the conversation before she...i beat her to the punch I ask her how her day was going and if things have been quite busy on this hot dry day. And just then Taz's meal was paid for I wished her a super quadrupal day, walking out of that small saquare prison with a smile big enough to light up manhatton for starting a conversation with a stranger...even though small as it may be. Then Taz and myself drove off from that green fueling station full and satisfied, with huge smiles on our faces.

And then today at work nothing much happened accept it was getting more comfortable and natural to talk and make decisions. Before I was the type of person to say "it doesn't matter" and now I am making a decision and saying what I want to do, since it is easier to everyone if you are decisive then not.

But I will keep going through life pushing myself to talk and standing up for myself and the less fortunate. Pushing myself to talk and show the love of Christ to a very pain filled world.

ANSWERED PRAYER OF FREEDOM....FREEDOM

The freedom of speaking one's mind, and stand up for one's self is such an amazing feeling, and I start to wonder why I was ever afraid to do it in the first place.

Yesterday was an extremely good day...I talked on the phone, and when I started to stutter, the person on the other end was getting impatient. I had the guts and the confidence to tell them wait a minute, then they shut-up faster then a mosquito to the sweet nector of human blood. And that moment on, I was in charge of the conversation, calling the shots. I was not letting them tell me what I needed to do, rather I told them what was happening and what needed to be done. This is the most liberating feeling I have ever experienced all because I did not let the person talk down to me because of a little stutter.

And like the instinct to the call of nature, when I felt to phone someone...without a second thought i picked up the phone called the people with no hesitation. No grass is growing under my feet. Then in person I took the inititive to be the first to approach and say hi to someone I knew when I ran into them at the store. Once I did, the smile on their face was worth more to me then anything in life it's self. And there comment on my tremendously huge smile...was a big encouragement, proving it's worth while talking. That chance meeting is worth it's wait in gold...most definitly.


Second part of my assignment was to sing like a catholic priest and i did it while chatting with a friend...and the once ever annoying stutter didn't even raise it's head as began to sing... (my friend had no clue what to think, and I don't care) and I enjoyed singing it was fun, and felt free. But I am not going to sing all the time even though to be the equivelent of a singing nun would be cool. No I am still going to work at talking normal... which means I start words gradually picking up my speed...like a mightily strong locomotive.

At the end of the day I watched the movie Bruce Almighty which summed up everything in my life. It is the best film on prayer and how it works I have ever seen. It was an amazing reminder that an answer of prayer is not always getting what we want...since we don't always know what we want. Rather an answer of prayer is God empowering and helping us being able to do it ourselves. And the miracle is not in the healing as much as the attitude of excpeting and enjoying life, being free to do what is truly needed to be done. Just accepting your situation as an excuse so you don't need to do what needs to be done is no answer of prayer. It is just ourselves justifying our way of living. And when God is on your side you can accomplish anything...no matter of your handicap, all things is possible to those who want it, and God wants to help us acheive it all.

This new found freedom is a true answer of prayer. But insted of everything being taken away I needed a push and strength to get it going. The miracle here is the fact I'm able to reach out and talk to others, stand up for myself and take control of the situation. That is the miracle and not the amazing disappearing stuttering act.

It's more evident now then ever before that God is truly in control of my life, giving me the strength to help face my fears and stand up for myself. God is truly tearing down my old self image and defence system. And building in me such an amazing structure that I don't need to worry about anything. Through each and every step I take, God is revealing to me my true potential, a new image on how I'm to see myself. Even though I can't see it yet, the new basement is being poured for my true image as I speak. Who God has truly made me to be without fear. Like Daredevil, I will be known as the man without fear. And that fills me with unspeakable joy...that only comes from God.

God truly wants us to live life fully without living inside a bubble...Halleluiah and Amen.

TODAYS ASSIGNMENT
I am going to keep talking,
I am going to keep using the phone today
and talk and get to know a stranger

LEGALISM IS GOING TO END...NOW!!!

Well yesterday was not good....not good at all...

Thanks to a beautifully legalistic, narrowminded Christian with a heretic stick up his butt, my mind regressed back for few months from my major breakthrough. I was letting others down, who I was suppose to get together with, and spent the whole day sleeping, with the worst attittude all day (in short I was deeply depressed, and I turned into the very thing I hate).

Why do so many Christians feel, the need to judge others when they don't understand a thing going on? As if to say judgement is their birth right, something they must fullfill to live a biblical life? This perplex's me as I sit here in my orange chair surrounded by my red walls. I am completely baffled, because I am a Christian myself, but still treated like yesterday's garbage. I think I just got a glimpse on what the gay community refers to when they say the Bible is hate literature. It is actually not the Bible they are talking about, they are actually referring to the fact a lot Christians are so narrowminded, jusdgemental in the interpretation of scripture, that they are blinded/lost, how to actually love their fellow man. Seeing how God made us all in his image and no one is like anyone else, that is one beautiful thing...we call the human race.

I am not going to give up on my faith and God, just because of one stupid narrow minded Christian. But now I am really getting driven to take action against the problems of the church, for a wise man said unless you are willing to do something about the complaining then shut-up, and I agree. This legalism must stop...for it's the legalism that creates hate or at least the appearance of hate to the world. And as long as you even create the appearance of hate, then the message of love and God's grace is lost. To all of you that has been hurt by the church and Christians...please I urge you do not give up on the Bible and God...don't let a few legalistic, hypocrital Christians taint your view on God. Rather prove them wrong by still excepting the sacrifice of Christ as your own, and living with love towards everyone regardless who are whatever they do.

And with all that off my chest, I will just like to say my assignment for today is the same thing as yesterday, and I pray I don't run into any more legalistic Christians set out to destroy me, to ruin this beautiful work God has started in me.

The grocery list recap of my assignment today:
-phoning as many people as I can today...both busness and pleasure
-and an experiment to try singing everything I say like the Catholic priests

TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT

Today's assingment to follow that amazing conversation, I am going to pick up the phone and talk to as many people as I can for both business and pleasure. If I can do this that is one more step in beating this stutter and block.

And also today I want to try and experiment to see what will happen if I slightly sing everything today...just like the Roman Catholic priests without the latin.

EXPERIMENTAL CONVERSATION

As I walk through the doors at work, the very first thing anyone told me was demand what I needed to bake. I chose this moment to bite my tongue for they are not a baker and have no idea how the system works. But I did carry out the experiment of slow speech with the goal to improve my talking, the only thing was the experiment proceded without me knowing it.

Picture this, a short muscle bound stalky baker, with a stutter approaching the only other person working in the store at the dead of night. And with out even thinking, he decides to approach her and formally introduce himself, striking up a conversation, with the person he has set his sights. He approachs all cool and collected drinking an ice tea from a ceremic mug with the simple but stutter filled phrase "how is it going tonight?" The nervous tension builds up in the room now as he's not sure how she'll respond. She is a little shocked about being approached by him do to his quiet nature...they share smiles, and use the tension to empower their blessed discussion. He did stutter, but that was not a problem at all seeing how the girl has a heavy accent...a match made in heaven...or at least guided by heaven. So the two decided to take there break and go outside to talk more, and enjoy the amazing, but almost weirdly bizarre warm night. And as the blessed conversation continues, so does the stuttering but with one difference, he talks like a trian. Starting off very slowly as if to build up the momentum to carry him through to the next station (stoppage in discussion). And he started and led the conversation finding everything from her age, where she grew up, and what she likes to do, and even information about the game cricket that she loves but misses. And he is equally yoked in the conversation sharing his age, and passion for the arts of all kinds. All of without one block, and only minor stutters. Why? He started of slowly, with deep relaxing breaths, using the tension and her huge warm smile as comfort enough to speak freely and just not give a hoot about the stuttering.

As far as the experimentation of slowness for a one on one social setting, was the hugest success yet, and I most definitly did not sound like some idiot. Rather we both walked away from that conversation learning a little, and feeling very blessed, because i decided to get to know her, and formally introduce myself. A blessed time indeed, and I was flying high...soaring in the air on eagles wings provided by God himself, showing me a glimpse of the power of my speech.

A huge success!!!! And can't wait for the next time to talk to someone.

THE NIGHTMARE
Well it was a normal day at work, when one of the most stressful and most panic induced moments of my life took place. I answered the phone at work with a little stutter, but nothing to serious. But when I went back to talk to the person after putting them hold the nightmare struck. I received a block that felt like the great wall of china. No matter what I did I was not able to get the very simple word "I"sounded. My mind started to become flustered, leaving me in fog of uncertainity, as the panic of not able to talk started to flood my body, leaving me gasping and try to get enough air to breathe and calm down.

I finally was able to sound "I" but it took many many cleansing breathes and coaching myself to slowly draw out the sound of "I". I was so slow I think I saw a chorus of snails singing jingle bells 10 times before I finished my "I". I was able to speak in the end, but was the solution worst then the problem? Did I sound like an idiot for having to say "I" so slowly? Or did anyone even notice?

Maybe I should just speak really slowly with a dramatic flare and not care what others think? And use it as an opportunity to try new characters on the stage (the stage being the world). Or maybe I should do what the Catholic priest do...sing everything, that could be very interesting also. Ok that settles it, my experiment is to talk really slowly and see what happens, with myself, my stuttering and how others treat me. Then I will share the results tomorrow.

Mystified talking introduced

Talking that very basic of communication skills, and yet for some one of the biggest mountians that they must climb. With so many different voices, stammers, stutters and even blocks, it is actually quite amazing that anyone is able to say anything with any sense of fluent fashion. But this just shows the beauty of human nature, the ability to take what lies in front of us-stoping us from our goal, and comfronted it head on. And even though for someone with a stutter or any speech impediment tends to be really hard themselves, it also would appear that they are the very people to do the most amazing things in this world...a few examples would be James earl Jones (voice of darth vadar) he was actually mute, for a while, which is very similiar to a block. Or there is Winston Churchhill the Prime Minister of Britian during WW2. Or what about all you BIble and history buffs...there is Moses, he stuttered too. So a few big people with huge problems of speech and they were able to overcome all of that, and do amazing things for mankind. And is the ordinary Joe Blow stutter of today any different? I don't think so, if anything they have just as much opportunities as the three listed above.

So then given how so many of the most amazing people stutters why is it so many people lose their patiences, act like they know nothing, just because it takes the stutterer longer to talk. Has today's world gotten to be so busy, that we forgot how to wait for others? Have we become so focused on looking out for number one, that we fail to see the feelings of others? Or is this all just the perception that stutters perceive on themselves because of their struggles with talking...the "very basic of skills".

Well this blog will follow the life of a stutterer, through all the ups and the downs. All the triumphs and all the very hurt felt emotionally scaring and stressful times. We will trace what it is really like to stutter, because unless you have someone right there to keep encouraging the stutterer to keep talking they won't. So be encouraged, you all can do great things, and that mountain you need to climb you do not have to do it alone.